Institutions
by cemeterydrivexo
Summary: Cecily is a girl with a considerable amount of problems. After not being dealt with these problems, here Mum sent her to the institution to get better. There she meets AmazingPhil, a shy quiet 24 year old, and danisnotonfire, a 19 year old, more relatable to her. Cecily struggles through the program, but she reaches her goal, with the support from both Dan and Phil.
1. New found friends

**WARNING: If you feel triggered by this in anyway, you should stop reading. I don't want to start any bodies "bad habits" again. So as mentioned, this series is VERY triggering. Read at own risk.**

**A/N: In no way am I stealing this from anybody. There is another copy on a different website called wattpad, but I'm still the one who wrote this one and that. I'm just posting it on here because some people don't know what wattpad is and stick to using the good old fan fiction.**

**Contains: Eating Disorder, Cutting/Self Harm, and just plain depression.**

**Part 1:**

* * *

Mum waved me off at the front door of the institution. If I were her, I wouldn't want to be seen with me either. A flash of displeasure washed over my body and I instantly gripped at my stomach. My fat, fat, stomach. I felt the sick coming up, but I refused to throw up. Not yet at least. Mum had made me eat some chips earlier in her desperate attempt to make me better. Nothing can make me better though. I'm a fucked up mess. But that's why I'm here, apparently. To not be a fucked up mess anymore.

I slowly walked up the steps to the building. Counting each one. I count everything. If I don't, I can't sleep, or eat, or do anything until I count it. I guess that classifies as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I tripped on the last one, after counting 17 steps. I struck my hands out and clashed against the cold cement. dammit! I lost count.

I fucking lost count!

I growled and jogged down the steps, then back up to recount them. There were 18 to be correct.

"How could I get it wrong?!" I muttered, as I stepped into the building.

I stood there in awe as I took in my surroundings. The building was quite modern. The whole front wall was sheer glass.

"Can I help you?" A mousey brown hair women asked me from the desk.

"Uh, yes! I'm here to check in for the first time?" I mumbled, self-conscious of the way my voice sounded.

"Um, where's your parent?" She looked at me confused.

"I'm 19 years old... I-I didn't think I need her to come in." I looked at my feet.

"Oh, no worries. You just need to be of legal age, and well you are! I had no idea. My greatest apologies. And your name?"

"Cecily..."

"Come with me!" She bounced along to a corridor with a lot of doors.

She brought me to my room at the end of the hallway.

"The boys rooms are on this side, well the girls rooms are on this side!" She pointed at the different sides of the hallway.

All the doors were glass. I suppose it could be great for security purposes, but for privacy? No way. I bit my lip. If I were to change everyone would see my fat..

She finished off telling me some rules, and then left me to adjust to things. I wondered about how long I'd be stuck in here for! I questioned that for a while. I didn't bother closing the bedroom door though, I was planning to adventure after. I scanned the room, to take in everything.

There was a big enough bed. The duvet was purple and flowery. I hate Flowers. I scrunched up my nose at the girlishness. I'll paint it black sometimes. The wall was coated in a sheet of white paint. Boring old white. Paint that dark too! I looked over at the desk. There was a Macbook air, and a cup of pencils and a pad of lined paper. I felt an urge come over me. I needed to know how many pencils there were. I ran to the desk, and grabbed the cup. I spilled the contents out onto the desk, and counted the pencils.

1, 2, 3,4 ,5,6,7.

7 pencils.

I felt a wave of relief flood through my veins, as I threw my bag into the small closet. Mum had already brought my clothes down today. I sighed as I looked at my body in the full length mirror.

Ugly, worthless, stupid, fat, failure, bitch.

I should end my life.

I rolled up my black long sleeve shirt, sucked in my stomach.

"This is how skinny I should be!" I scolded myself, outlined my ribs with my finger. "But you're a fat pig who can't resist evil fattening food!"

"You're not fat.." I heard a quiet voice mumbled from the doorway.

I immediately shoved my shirt back down, and whipped my head to face the door. I saw a tall, slender teenager standing there. His jet black hair making his pale skin look even more dead. His sad looking, crystal blue eyes looked faded, as if they were brighter. He had dark circles underneath them. I felt angry that he was invading my room, but I also felt sad for him. He didn't look like the type to have many friends. Fuck, I didn't even have many friends. In fact, I had one friend! And she was fucking made up for gods sake! Dad was right. I did have a mental disorder. A few according to him. Mum and me moved away from Dad though. He was getting out of control too much. I remember him hitting me and mum a couple of times. I shook my head slightly and looked at the boy in the eyes,

"Sorry for eaves dropping.." he said sadly. "I'm Phil!" He looked me in the eyes. My dead, pale green eyes.

"I'm Cecily.. And it's fine..." I gave him a smirk.

He smiled.

"Would you like to come walk around? Lynn said you were new here, and you might need someone to look out for you. Also a tour." He offered.

"Who's Lynn...?" I asked shyly.

"Lynn was the women at the counter. You had to have seen her!"

"She was the one who brought me to this room, I assume.."

"Probably."

I started walking out the door with this so called Phil.

"So do you have any other friends here?" I asked him, hoping I hadn't gotten to personal.

"Yeah, his name is Dan. but he's in his personal session at the moment." Phil explained.

"Oh..Phil?" I looked at him as we walked down the hallway.

"Yeah?"

"H-How old are you?"

"I'm 24. You?"

"19..." I stuttered.

"Cool! So we should get to know each other! Lunch starts at 12:30." He invited.

"O-Okay..."

We walked across the foyer, when a different women called for us.

"Phil! It's time for your personal!" She called, as a tall, brown hair boy left the room.

"Oh..Okay." his expression got sad. "I'm sorry Cecily. You can have Dan, here give you a tour?" He pointed at the brunette.

"Ok-kay.." I nervously played with my fingers.

The brunette walked up to me and Phil. Phil gave me a hug, and I hesitantly hugged him back. I felt the warmth pool off of him, and onto my cold body. He walked off, and I felt a wave of separation anxiety course through me. I nervously fumbled with the hem of my shirt as I sadly watch Phil enter the room without me

The boy who I assume is Dan looks at me as I watch Phil.

"I-I'm Dan.." he said shakily.

"I'm Cecily..."

"What are you in for?" He said quietly. "You don't have to tell me though..." He reassured.

I felt like I could tell him though. I trusted him. He seemed to have similar 'issues' as me.

"I'm here because of O.C.D, Bulimia, Depression, self harm, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress, all that crap..." I said sadly, realizing how much more pathetic I am.

"I'm here because of Anorexia, Depression, self harm, insomnia..." He softly told me.

"What's insomnia like? I've heard of it before, but I never really understood the definition." I asked, looking into his chocolatey brown eyes.

"It's kind of hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot.. Erm, basically I have a very difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep for the amount of time I want to sleep for.. Does that make any sense?"

"Uh, kind of. I get what you're saying though."

"What's O.C.D like?" He asked me as we walked around the hallways.

" Um, time consuming, first of all" I scoffed. "And to be honest, it can drive you to insanity." I nodded.

"What sort of O.C.D do you have?"

"I need to count things, make them organised, colour coordinate, and weird stuff like I have to do things a certain way or I can't do those things. Like for example, I need to fluff my pillow 3 times before I can sleep on it."

"Oh.. that sounds extremely time consuming!" He chuckled.

"Yeah.. and life destroying.." I mumbled back, with sadness in my tone.

"So what do you want to do?" He asked me.

"There isn't much to do here, by the looks of it." I looked around the area.

"True, but we can always go back to your room and talk about our lives and stuff?" He suggested.

"S-Sure, ok!" I stuttered.

We walked the opposite direction of where we were, and I got lost in mine and Dan's conversation. I had to stop walking a couple of times to count stuff like magazine stacks, or steps of stairs to the next floor, but other then that I completely forgot about why I was here. That same feeling happened with Dan that happened with Phil. The feeling of trust, friendship, a feeling I didn't have to lie to them and I could be completely open .

We got back to my room, where I opened up my door. I looked at the cheeriness of the furniture, and cringed. I walked over to my bed, fluffed my pillow 3 times, and laid on my back. I patted the empty space beside my for Dan, signaling he could come lay down too. He hesitated, but did so and walked over. He layed down immediately and looked at me.

"What?" He asked, slightly self-conscious about himself.

"I just wonder what it's like to be able to do things without a special order or anything." I said in awe.

"It's hard to explain really. It just feels normal?" He replied.

"Oh..." I looked away.

"So, Cecily. Tell me about yourself?" He said, almost sounding professional.

"Um, where do I begin? heh." I smiled.

"Just start when you discovered you had a lot of these issues?" He suggested.

"Well, basically I've always had my O.C.D, always counting things, rearranging things, that stuff. Someone just put a name on it during school. Lonely, stupid, terrifying school. I got bullied a lot. The girls there always called me fat, stupid, annoying, ugly, crap like that. I went home, and I cried and cried. Dad noticed me and called me a wimp. He was probably drunk when he saw me. Um, I cut myself tha very night. The blood leaked out of my arm and I felt a sensation of power over me. Like I could take out my revenge on myself. Dad hit me a couple times, Mum moved us away. I gradually got worse with bulimia, self harm, all that, and she stuck me in here for 'the better' meaning she wants to get rid of me." I trailed off.

"She wouldn't get rid of you?" Dan said sadly.

"Dan, everyone wants to get rid of me. No one likes me. Explains my lack of friends, doesn't it?" I rolled my eyes.

"I don't want to get rid of you..." He smiled.

"Really?" I asked, a sliver of hope trailed through me.

"Really, really."

"Thanks Dan! You and Phil have made me happy today."

"Heh, we try! So how old are you?" He chuckled.

"just turned 19 3 months ago. You?"

"19. I turned 19 4 months ago..." He said with wide eyes.

"When's your birthday?"

"June 11th, yours?" We started getting excited.

"July 11th!" I cheered.

"That's cool! We're like, birthday buddies? yeah." He cringed at his sentence.

I laughed. "So Dan, you never told me your story? Just start where I started I guess."

"I was 13 years old, I had really bad depression and I lost all my friends to it. I cut myself out of sheer sadness. I cut too deep and Mum and Dad brought me to the hospital where I stayed for a considerably long time. They were informed on my insomnia and I had to take sleeping pills every night. I got older, obviously, and got bullied more. I was called fat a lot, but I knew I wasn't. I just wasn't fit, so I didn't have a rock hard 6 pack or anything. But like bullying does often, it got through to my head. That's when i was diagnosed with anorexia. Or Annie, as it's nickname. That happened 2 years ago, and I've been stuck here since last year." He explained. His eyes looked even more sad, than they were.

Just then Phil walked down to his room, where he saw me and Dan out of his peripheral vision.

"What are you guys doing?" He asked.

"Just talking about our lives.." Dan explained.

"Speaking of which, Cecily your personal is now. I was told to come get you."

"What do I h-have to d-do there?" I started getting panicked.

"You just have to tell Maria some stuff." he said calmly.

"But I don't want to tell a stranger about my life!" I sobbed.

"You told me though?" Dan asked, confused.

"That's different! I like you and Phil!" My breath was cut short, as my brain started to malfunction.

My legs and arms were getting shakier as I hugged my legs. I sobbed and sobbed, and I couldn't breathe. It was terrible.

"Calm down, Cecily. Just take deep breaths, and relax." Phil said calmly as he rubbed up and down my bony back.

I did as so, and soon my breathing returned to normal. My makeup was smudged, so I had to take that off before I left. I wiped my tears, and stood up from the bed.

"Do you want us to walk you there?" Dan asked kindly.

I nodded my head as I wiped the black makeup from my eyes, making me look even more dead.

"You look very pretty." Dan said shyly, behind me.

I looked down, because I didn't believe him. I didn't want him to see my disbelief.

I walked behind them down the maze of hallways, as we came upon the room. the room I was dreading to enter. The door swung open, and a women with dark auburn hair stood there. She was extremely pretty, and skinny... She waved me into the room, but I stepped back.

"Come on, Cecily. You'll be fine." Dan comforted.

"Just take deep breaths, and it'll be over soon. The sessions aren't as bad as you think.." Phil added.

I took a deep breath like I was told to, and I stepped into the room. The door quietly and gently shut behind me, and I felt a sudden wave of confinement. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be able to be comfortable in this white office.


	2. Old Habits

"Cecilia Wincaster? My name is Maria! I do all the personal sessions." This so called Maria explained, as she flipped through what I'm guessing, was my file.

I simply nodded.

"So I assume you're new here?"

"Yes.." I said quietly.

"Your files say your here for multiple things, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Angst, Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress? Does that sound correct?" She asked me, flipping through pages on her clipboard.

"Um, y-yes.." I stuttered, cringing at the amount of problems I had.

"There's no reason to be scared." She calmed.

"It's just- the tight space, and I- I can't-" I scrambled for words, but I couldn't function again. Another panic attack.

"Claustrophobia?" She studied.

I nodded.

"You're having a panic attack. Take deep breaths and try to calm yourself."

But I couldn't take deep breaths. I was long past a panic attack. My eyes grew heavier as my breathing became shallow. A dark vignette clouded my vision, as I fell back onto the floor.

As cliché as it sounds, I woke again in a white room. The infirmary section of the institution. The lights made my head throb more and more than it already was in the first place. Must've hit my head when I blacked out maybe? I felt around my face, and there was one of those tubes that go in your nose to help your breathing. I was always creeped out by how you got those out of your nose. It makes me gag whenever I had to do it. I fluttered my eyes a bit more. A nurse had entered the room, and looked at me.

"I see you're awake now?" She looks back at her clipboard.

"Obviously." I sarcastically muttered.

"No need to be rude. Now, there is another reason you were knocked unconscious so easily. Usually you're able to stay conscious during a panic attack, but what caused you to black out was because of the little amount of food in your system. Your blood sugar was critically low. So, to regain strength you'll have to eat 3 square meals a day, and take these pills." She handed me a little orange bottle that contained small white pills. I sighed. I already had to take 2 different pills a day.

Depression pills, anxiety pills, and now more pills.

Stupid, stupid pills.

"You're free to leave now, Cecilia." The nurse told me.

"Thank you." I nodded, and begun to carefully pull the oxygen tube from my nose trying not to throw up in the process.

I headed straight out the door and planned to find my way back to my room. The only problem was that I had no idea where anything was.

I eventually found a way out of the infirmary section and back into the foyer. I walked past the washrooms when I heard a stomach churning noise. Someone was getting sick. I could hear the muffled sobbing, the coughing, spitting.

"I'm so fucking fat.." I heard the voice quietly mutter.

Something stuck me inside. I knew who's voice that belonged to. It was Dan's articulate southern British accent. Anyone could decipher it. He had a one of a kind voice. It was adorable. Even if it was making gurgling and groaning noises.

I heard the door to the toilet stall squeak open. Crap. I quickly darted back to my room undetected by anyone. I shut the bedroom door quietly as I could hear the faint footsteps that I assumed belong to Dan coming down the hallway. The hallway was very... what's the word I'm looking for? Echo-ey? I guess that works. I heard his bedroom door shut, and i sighed a breath of relief. I looked up at the chrome analog clock and saw the time. 11:24 p.m. How did I not even notice the time? And to add to it, it's pitch black outside!

I walked over to the wardrobe and selected my pajamas. Same long sleeved shirt, only navy blue. I pick out some black jogging pants and began to undress. I slipped my bottoms on, but I halted when putting my top on. I looked at every white line on my stomach. my fat stomach.I tried to rid myself of the bad thoughts, as that was my purpose of being here. To rid the bad thoughts. I slipped on the long sleeve shirt, and scrunched my blue and blonde hair into a messy bun at the back of my head. I walked over to the bed, fluffed my pillow 3 times, and climbed into the mess of blankets. I flicked off the boring white lamp, and laid my head against the white fluffy pillow. My head was drowning in a hurricane of thoughts. Some conflicted, some were random. But one was continuing to pester my mind over and over again. That was Dan getting sick.

Usually thoughts of people puking made me gag, but in this case it fascinated me. The way he did it to lose weight, the way I used to do it.. The memories popped into my mind. The constant excuse of me not feeling well, or needing to use the washroom, or going to wash my hands, always ended up in me purging over the toilet. It was always the quickest way to lose weight, I thought. Faster then having to exercise, or eat healthy. No, those things took time. And I was known for being an impatient little fucker.

I untangled myself from the duvet, and groggily walked towards the small washroom. I quickly scanned the time and realized I laid in bed thinking about shit for 3 hours. 3 fucking hours. I fell to my knees outside the toilet. I supposedly 'quit' doing this to myself. I was supposed to be recovering from Mia for god sake! (Mia is a nickname for Bulimia as Annie is a nickname for Anorexia) But that didn't matter now. I flipped up the toilet seat, and took a deep breath.

"Am I really going to do this again?" I began to sob.

Yes.

I pulled my fringe out of the way, and hesitantly shoved my index finger to the back of my mouth, and I gagged, feeling the sick coming up. I moved my finger away just in time as the sick came out. I did this 3 more times, and I got up. I washed my face off, and brushed my teeth. I flushed the toilet, and walked back to my bed. I realized how weak the withdrawal made me. I re fluffed my pillow and climbed back under the blankets realizing how cold I was. I laidmy head back against the pillow, and I instantly fell asleep.

My eyes fluttered open to a somewhat new day, even though I'd have the same routine. The sun was shining through the cracks of the curtain. I slipped my arms out from underneath the blanket and rubbed my eyes. I looked at them, and studied them for a moment. They were quite shaky, but I think that's the air conditioners fault.

I pulled the blanket off me, and slid off the bed. My legs were shaky too.. I walked over to the full length mirror and looked at my ugly self. My face was pale, and there were dark purple bags underneath them. I must be experiencing the aftermath of last night. I felt fine, to be honest. Just a crippling headache, that's all. I spun around to the sound of someone knocking on my door.

"Ugh. People." I whined as I walked towards the entrance.

I swung it open, and there stood Phil, dressed already.

"Breakfast time!" He said cheerfully.

"Br-breakfast? I can't eat in front of all those p-people..." I pouted.

"You'll be fine." he comforted.

"I-" I never got to finish my sentence before I was being dragged out of my room.

"I'm not even dressed! And I look like a fucking zombie!"

"Are you kidding? You're the most beautiful girl in this institution! No ifs, ands or buts. You're gorgeous." He stated, looking into my pale green eyes.

I scoffed. "Can I please go back to my room?" I pleaded.

"Nope." He protested.

I rolled my eyes. Phil slugged his long arm over my shoulder, and I could see the old scars on his wrists. His long sleeve jumper was covering them, and they blended in perfectly well with his already ghost white skin. But a cutter can spot cuts easily. On everyone. The cuts looked quite faded, so he must've quit a long time ago. He was happy too. I didn't understand quite why he was here though. He seemed perfectly fine. Maybe there was other things I didn't know about. For sure there was, or else he wouldn't be here. I looked up at him. He was actually pretty tale for a 24 year old. I was guessing he was around 6'2 maybe? Dan was really tall too, but he was still a teenager. He probably had a couple more years of growing. He already looked 6'0. I was only 5'8, which I guess is pretty tall for a girl. To be fair though, I was a bit of a pudgy kid, and it just stretched upwards. And I only looked thin if you were to be looking directly at the front of me. I wasn't skinny at all.

Phil walked me into the large cafeteria where we instantly saw Dan saving us seats beside him. There was a supervisor walking around checking on all the patients when they finished their meals. The meal looked like pancakes, bacon and eggs. Great. I sat down beside Dan on the left, and Phil sat in front of me on the other side. The plate was set in front of me, looked like they serve you your meal for you, instead of having to get up ourselves. The food looked great, but I couldn't eat it. what about my weight? How much calories is it? Dan leaned in, and whispered something in my ear.

"It's about 1000 calories." He said so no one could hear.

I looked at him with wide eyes.

"Can you read minds or something?" I whispered back, astounded.

He laughed.

"What's so funny?" Phil asked, clueless.

"It's just the way the scrambled eggs are formed. That's all." Dan said, nonchalantly.

I was amazed by his skill in lying too.

"Okay...? So what do you guys plan on doing today?" Phil asked.

"I plan on walking around the garden outside." I said, taking the fork and playing with the food.

"Oh. I'm not doing anything. I'll probably just chill out and play cards or something of that nature." Dan shrugged.

"Me too." Phil agreed.

I stared down at the food. I didn't want to eat it, not at all. It would make me fat! I don't want to be fat. What if I just do what I did earlier? Forcefully get rid of the food. That'll work. I heard a cough, and Dan nudged my arm with his elbow. I glared at him, when he pointed beside me. I slowly looked, and there stood one of the supervisors.

"Eat." He demanded.

I sighed, and took a bit of the pancake, almost throwing up instantly. I gave him a smile, then he left. I finished with the food in my mouth, and struggled to swallow, but I did anyways.

We all eventually finished our meals, and I looked at Dan. His face was all smiles, but I could see the guilt pooling in his eyes. We both had secrets. The only difference was that I knew his, but he didn't know mine.


	3. Mia Returns

Lunch had finished, and I quickly stood up from my chair. I could feel the food sloshing around in my stomach. Jesus Christ, what have I done? It feels as if the food is literally ripping itself out of me. My nauseated expression must've been noticeable, because Dan looked at me confused, and so did Phil.

"Cecily, you look ill.." Phil commented.

I wiped the cold sweat off my forehead, and came up with an excuse. "It's what you get for dragging me out of my room makeup-less. I usually look like a zombie if I'm not wearing makeup."

"But-" Dan started.

"Gotta go to the washroom. Bye!" I ran out of the cafeteria, before he could finish his thought.

I pushed the doors open, and I realized how disoriented I was. I grasped the wall to support my dizzy self. I slid along the white painted, metallic wall, until I reached the washroom. I pushed myself through the door, and leaned against the wall again. I tried to take a deep breath, but if I did I would get sick. I have to do that in the toilet. Not the floor. I past by a mirror. I looked at the reflection. My eyes had bags underneath them, I was ghostly pale. Paler than I already was. My hands were shaking again. I crashed into a stall at the very end of the row of them. I locked the door, and fell to my knees. I could already feel the sick coming up. I pulled my hair back, and leaned over the toilet bowl just in time for the vomit to escape my fat stomach. I only needed to be sick once, but I could still feel the food in my stomach. I put two of my fingers all the way to the back of my throat and I got sick again. I did this 2 more times. I finished once I felt the unmistakable emptiness in me again. I stood up, and pinched the skin between my eyes.

"Am I really doing this to myself again? I'm supposed to be recovering." I said to myself under my breath.

I nodded my head, as the silent sobs began to climb out of my mouth. I covered my mouth with my shaky pale hands, and cried harder. I wiped my eyes, and sniffed. I flushed the toilet, and slowly unlocked the stall door. I peaked my head out to see if anyone was there, and there wasn't. I tried my best not to move my tongue around my mouth, because the taste of vomit still lingered on my irritated taste buds.

I started walking. To where, I hadn't quite figured out yet. I didn't want to go back to my room, because there I'd get extremely bored in there. I passed by the garden doors,and remembered that I was planning to go there anyways. An idea popped into my mind. I could sit out in the garden to clear my head a bit.. I mean, it isn't much of an outdoorsy place considering it's still indoors... The walls are all windows though, so you can see the outside without being outside. Apparently people have tried to escape the institution before, so they had to put the walls up. I changed my general direction, and headed towards the doors. I turned my head to look around when I caught a glimpse of Dan's dark brown hair through one of the doorways. I didn't really want to see them at the moment. They'd for sure ask questions about earlier. I pushed the door open with my right hand as my left hand was shoved in my pocket.

I found a white bench at the most isolated part of the garden, and took a seat. I looked up at the bright blue sky. It was full of big white puffy clouds, and the small yellow sun shining bright in the east. I laid my head back so that it was resting on the back of the bench.

I started thinking about what my mom could be doing at the moment. Well, for sure she would be at work... but could she be worrying about me? Could she possibly... miss me? Most likely not, but whatever. Not very many people miss me, so I doubt she does. I then got a strange feeling. As if someone else were in my mind. I knew this feeling. Mia was talking to me again. I hadn't heard from Mia for over 2 weeks.

"Hey bitch, you know you're still fat from earlier? Yeah, your body still preserves the fat. You waited _way_ too long to throw up. Maybe if you had gotten there quicker instead of socializing you wouldn't be fat. Maybe you should go to the gym that's here. You could burn fat faster." Mia told me.

"Shut up Mia!" I growled.

I looked around to see people staring at me like I was some sort of freak show. Who am I kidding, I _am _a fucking freak show.

"Those people are staring at you now. Feeling uncomfortable? You always feel uncomfortable. They're probably staring at your fat. I mean, your thighs are touching. You know what that means? Ha, I'm sure you do. Here's some advice. Maybe curl yourself into a ball on the bench. People wouldn't be able to smell your self consciousness easily if you hid yourself from them!"

I did as Mia said, and slowly scrunched up into a ball. I hugged my knees and ducked my head in between them, feeling even more self-conscious.

" 'Atta girl. Now, you see your wrists? They're burning with the desire to be slit. But don't do it now. You don't want to be caught or something! They'll think you're more of a creep. Do it when you're alone, in your room. Be extra careful to make sure Dan and Phil don't notice. Wear long sleeves all the time. They'll tell someone, and you'll get in trouble. I know how much you hate being in trouble. " Mia snickered.

"Stop it Mia, STOP." I grabbed my hair, and sobbed.

I was for sure going insane.

"Um, Cecily?" I heard a very familiar British voice say.

It was Phil. And beside him was Dan, as I suspected.

"Y-Yes?" I lifted my head a couple of inches so I could see them.

Dan noticed my unmistakable tears stained on my cheeks.

"Woah, are you alright?" He asked, concern taking over his tone.

"Yeah. Just uh- allergies..." I mumbled.

"Mhmm. So, Phil has some news for you." Dan crossed his arms over his chest, staring into my eyes as if looking for something else.

"I'm being released. I get to go home finally!' He cheered.

I felt a wave of sadness wash through me. Phil was leaving, and I might never see him again. I looked down at my legs. Mia was right. They were fat, but I shouldn't worry about that right now.

"L-Leaving?" I stuttered.

"Yeah.. I'll miss you two a lot though! Maybe we'll see each other in the future?" Phil shrugged.

"Maybe.. Unless it takes me a while to leave." I moped.

"C'mon Cecily, don't think like that.." Phil patted my shoulder.

"But it's true. I'll take the longest to leave considering You guys have been here before me for who knows how long." I sighed, letting another tear roll down my cheek. "But, none the less I'm proud of you Phil. Even though I've known you for almost 3 days, I'm happy to see you get the chance to see the world." I pulled out a smile.

"I leave in 2 days." Phil chirped.

"Well we can still do stuff for 2 days right?" I forced a chuckle to disguise my sadness.

"Yeah, but me and you have to go to some program thing in about 30 minutes." Dan shrugged.

"What do we have to do?" I asked.

"Sit in a circle with other people or something.." He mumbled.

"Oh... You don't sound so happy about it?" I cocked my head.

"I'm not. I hate being around groups of people." Dan crossed his arms.

"Oh.. Well alright. Well I'm going to go get dressed and stuff.." I stood up from the bench.

I pulled my left hand out of my pocket, completely forgetting the fresh cuts were out on display for everyone to see. I saw Dan look down, and I shoved my hand violently into my pocket wishing he un-saw it. He looked at me sadly, but didn't bring it to attention. He looked up into my eyes, and I looked into his.

"You want to talk?" He mouthed.

"Later" I mouthed in reply.

He slowly nodded his head.

I started to walk away when Phil called for me.

"You know you don't need makeup right? You're pretty without it." He smiled, hoping I would smile too.

"Ha, yeah." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. " I wouldn't be pretty even if I got plastic surgery to look like... Meghan Fox or whatever guys seem to like." I walked out of the garden quickly so I wouldn't have to argue with them.

I made it to my room, and closed the door behind me. I pulled out my mp3 player and started playing my favourite song, What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy, my favourite band.

_"I got trouble thoughts,_

_and the self-esteem to match,_

_what a catch, what a catch_

_you'll never catch us_

_so just let me be_

_said I'll be fine_

_'til the hospital or American Embassy_

_Miss Flack said I still want you back_

_yeah, Miss Flack said I still want you back_

_I got troubled thoughts_

_and the self-esteem to match_

_What a catch, what a catch_

_And all I can think of_

_Is the way I'm the one_

_Who charmed the one_

_Who gave up on you_

_Who gave up on you_

_They say the captain,_

_goes down with the ship._

_So, when the world ends_

_Will God go down with it?_

_Miss Flack said I still want you back_

_Yeah, Miss Flack said I still want you back_

_I got troubled thoughts_

_and the self-esteem to match_

_What a catch, what a catch_

_And all I can think of_

_Is the way I'm the one_

_Who charmed the one_

_Who gave up on you_

_Who gave up on you_

_What a catch_

_What a catch_

_What a catch_

_What a catch_

_I will never end up like him_

_Behind my back, I already am_

_Keep a calender_

_This way you will always know_

_I got troubled thoughts_

_and the self-esteem to match_

_What a catch, what a catch_

_And all I can think of_

_Is the way I'm the one_

_Who charmed the one_

_Who gave up on you_

_Who gave up on you_

_Where is your boy tonight?_

_I hope he is a gentleman_

_Maybe he won't find out what I know_

_You were the last good thing_

_Wer're going down down, in an earlier round_

_'cuz sugar, we're going down swinging._

_Dance, Dance, we're falling apart to half time_

_Dance, Dance, and these are the lives you love to lead_

_Dance, this is the way they'd love me_

_if they knew how misery loved me_

_This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race_

_This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race_

_One night, and one more time_

_thanks for the memories_

_even though they weren't so great_

_He tastes like you only sweeter_

_Growing up,_

_growing up_

_I got troubled thoughts,_

_and the self-esteem to match_

_What a catch, what a catch"_

After I had finished singing my way through getting ready, I ended up chosing a regular black baggy jumper, a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, my pair of converse and two mcr bracelets. (picture in sidebar) I turned around to see Dan ominously standing by the door. I felt my cheeks grow red as I fiddled with my fingers. I opened the door for him, and he cautiously walked in.

"You didn't uh, see me get changed did you?" I blushed.

"No.. I just heard you singing.." he looked at his shoes.

"That's even more embarrassing." I ran my fingers through my fringe.

"N-No! You're a really good singer!"

"Aha, no." I discouraged myself. "What do you need?" I asked.

"I just came to tell you that it starts in 10 minutes."

"I just need to put my makeup on, then I'll be ready. Shouldn't take me a long time." I said.

He turned away to the door, and begun walking away. I grabbed onto his arm so he wouldn't leave. I really didn't even know what I was doing.

"You can stay." I reassured.

"I don't think you'd want my company.." He mumbled.

"Please stay..?" I blushed.

"Really?" His expression brightened up.

"Yeah. I like you- having you around!" I covered up.

_Did I really like Dan? I've only just met him. He makes me happier though, and he gives me butterflies, and he's just so nice... Maybe I do like him... _I thought.

"But you've already made a fool out of yourself. Besides, he wouldn't like you. He likes _pretty _girls. _SKINNY_ girls. You're neither pretty nor skinny, so good luck with him." Mia snickered.

"Not now Mia." I mentally scolded her.

"Oh.. okay." Dan blushed.

"Heh, yeah. Makeup, I should uh, go do that. You can sit on my bed." I pointed towards the piece of furniture as I let go of his wrist.

I went over to my mirror, and gagged at my face.

I finished with my makeup about 4 minutes later. I had my regular black liquid eyeliner making a wing at the corner of my eye, and a dark line of black eye liner underneath my eye too.

"Good to go." I smiled, as I put my makeup back into the drawer.

He took a hold of my hand, and lead me out of my room down the hall. I couldn't stop blushing as I looked at his hand intertwined with mine. I smiled and looked at the ground, as he pushed the doors open. I saw multiple circles full with people, and one with two empty spaces most likely saved for me and Dan. As we approached he dropped my hand. I overheard what the other groups were talking about, and felt my heart fall to my stomach. I know why Dan wasn't too excited to be here today, and I learned that neither was I.


	4. Group Chat

Dan took a seat beside a blonde girl in the circle. She had dark bags underneath her eyes, and freckles dotted along her cheeks and crossing the bridge of her nose. Her blonde hair curtained the sides of her face, and her jagged cut fringe scattered different directions. Her back had an arch in it, and she had horrible posture, the reason behind her slouching. She fiddled with her fingernails, and started to claw at her hands.

I snapped out of my trance, as a sharp movement interrupted the still sight. Dan waved me over to sit beside him in the circle. I hesitated at first, and didn't want to join the other patients, but I really had no other choice or I'd be punished. And I really didn't want to find out what that experience would be like.

I slowly scuttled over towards the circle, and took a seat next to Dan whose legs were crossed. I pulled my knees into my chest, and weakly swung my arms around them. Each hand clasped onto both elbows, and I begun to listen in to the conversation. The instructor of whatever we were doing was female.

She had brown, auburn like hair with piercing green eyes. My eyes used to be piercing like hers, before I lost all of my dignity. Her hair was tied in a braid that ran down her back, and she had square black glasses. Her legs were covered by black dress pants, and she wore a purple blouse. She had a black blazer over top. I examined her tag from a far.

_Mrs. Simone _The name tag read.

"Ah. Thank you for joining Dan, and... Sorry, I haven't gotten your name yet?" She directed the question at me.

"My name's Cecily.." I said, shying my head away.

"Well, thank you for joining Dan and Cecily. As I explained to the others before you arrived, We will be going through the process of getting better. Since this is a start to the new year of this program, we're starting from the beginning so the new comers have a chance to catch up."

Each of the patients understood, to what it looked like. They slowly nodded along as she spoke.

"Today, we'll be introducing ourselves, and stating our current conditions. I find that sometimes it helps to get things off of your shoulders. Reminder that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Chances are, you're all going through the same thing to a certain extent. So no one will laugh or point fingers. No one will make fun of you, this is a safe environment. We'll start in a clock wise rotation, starting from Alyssa here, on my left. You'll all say your name, your age, you reasons to be here, and your goal. The last person to answer will be Cody, to my right." She explained in a professional manner.

We all nodded in agreement. I counted the amount of people that were sitting together in the circle. I scanned each and every person, and came to the conclusion of 14 people. I was the 8th person in the circle, and Dan was 9th. Alyssa cleared her throat, and began to speak.

"My name is A-Alyssa.. and I'm 16. Um, I'm h-here because I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, depression, and was suicidal..." She said slowly.

"Your goals...?" Mrs. Simone pondered.

"Um, My goals in life? Or my goals for here..." Alyssa asked.

"Your goals for life." Mrs. Simone confirmed.

"Um, my goal in life is to go to university, and graduate to become a physiotherapist, so I can help people like me in the future." Alyssa hinted at a smile.

"Awe, what a lovely and kind goal. Your turn, Connor." Mrs. Simone instructed the nest person.

~  
People were ranging from many different disorders, from the start. PTSD, OCD, Bulimia, Anorexia, depression, so many things. I looked to my right to see that this so called Lorena finished speaking.

"Your turn now, Cecily." Mrs. Simone smiled at me from across the ring of patients.

"Um, my name's Cecilia... but I'd prefer to be called Cecily? I-I guess that counts. I'm 19 years old, and uh... I'm here because I suffer from PTSD from family r-reasons..." A list of my 'disorders' began to scroll through my mind. I soon became lost in thought, thinking of which ones to say next. I caught up with ym train of thought, and continued speaking. " I was diagnosed with Bulimia, depression... self harm, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, basically I have to count everything I see... And uh, Anxiety.." I finished.

Mrs. Simone was right... it did take a load off my shoulders.

"Your goal?" She pestered.

"My goal? Well, my goal is... well, one is to get out of here healthily. Another? Is um, Well I want to be married in the future... maybe a child. And I want to work as a director, or an animator." I bit my lip.

"Beautiful. Your turn now, Daniel." She smiled at me, then directed her attention to Dan.

He sighed, and opened his mouth to speak. His eyes sunk to the ground, and he looked there as if trying to concentrate on something.

I watched him as his lips perfectly shaped to form every word.  
"My name is Dan.. I'm 19, like my best friend Cecily over here... I'm here because of Anorexia Nervosa, good old depression," he sarcastically smiled. " self harm..." he took a glance at his sleeve covered wrists, then back at the same spot on the floor. "and finally insomnia, making every night sleepless." He trailed off. "My goals in life are to, as well as Cecily, get out of this place. And... make videos. Maybe upload them to youtube? Only after this place though, after I save up for an apartment with my other best friend Phil, if he's up for it. I'll make videos to entertain an audience, if I get one. Maybe later on in life, someone will actually like me, and I can get married, start a family..." His brown eyes glistened with the slightest bit of hope.

He lifted his head a couple of inches, but his eyes remained hidden under his dark brown, straightened fringe. His eyes now spoke sadness, and emptiness... and any lingering spark of hope had vanished, and was probably hidden by the self hate I'm very well familiar with. I realized I had been staring at him for a good 3 minutes now... He shifted uncomfortably, meaning he must've noticed it as well. Dan's eyes trailed up to meet mine, as I quickly looked away, blushing intensely.

I payed my attention to Mrs. Simone again, as she finished up with the rest of the patients.

"Well thank you, guys!" She cheered. "This concludes today's session. We have another one tomorrow at the same time for anyone who didn't know. " Mrs. Simone stood up collecting her clipboard. She started to walk off, as everyone in the circle stood up slowly.

I noticed that none of the other groups were getting up, and I started to grow confused. I drew my eyebrows together, as I tried to think of an explanation as to why we were the only group standing up.

"It's because they have more advanced things to do whilst we're only on level one. They have to stay longer." Dan whispered into my ear as we walked out of the room together.

"Seriously, can you read minds or something?!" I gawked.

"Haha, no. I know because when I first came here, I had all the same questions." He chuckled.

"Oh... Yeah, that makes more sense." A smirk appeared on my face.

My hands were hanging loosely by my sides, and I hate having them doing nothing. I had to occupy them with something, or I'd turn into a big twitchy mess. I didn't have anything that I could figit with, so I just crossed my arms over my chest. I did that a lot. Trying to hide myself from people, it made me feel safer if I was covering my body and such. My half smile soon faded into my signature straight face.

I looked up at Dan who had both his hands

jammed in his black skinny jean pockets. His eyes were watching his feet as we walked along, to where I didn't know yet. He noticed my gaze, and turned to look at me.

"Why do you keep watching me?" He said sadly.

"I just uh... want to know what you're thinking. You always seem so in thought..." I mumbled.

"Oh... I'm not really thinking, more like listening to everything else."

"What is there to listen to?" I asked.

"Well, the conversations everybody is having, the sound of feet pattering on the cold ground, people having fun, stuff like that. Mostly ambient sounds though, like cars driving quickly past this building." He explained.

"Oh..."

"I also like listening to your voice.." He blushed.

I smiled, and had my cheeks turn rosy red. "But why?"

"I don't know... it just sounds so relaxed, and it's pretty." He smiled at me.

"Thanks, I suppose." I bit my lip. "Dan?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think you're improving?" I asked.

"Um," he started to think. " I think I may be, yeah."

I saw a small smile creep onto his face.

"That's good.." I smiled.

"Yeah.. yeah it is." I saw a glimmer of happiness sparkle through his chocolate brown eyes.

"You want to go find Phil?" I suggested.

"Sure." He smiled at me, and I returned it.

He got up, and stood in front of me. I looked at him, with a puzzled expression, before he stuck his hand out in front of him. He extended his fingers, so his hand was open. I blushed, and took the offer. I carefully slid my hand onto his, and he grasped it, pulling me from my seat.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"Any time." He chuckled.

He held my hand, firmly, as we walked off to find Phil.


End file.
